My Droopy Spandex

Hi guys, 
Today has been an extremely colorful day for me. So much so that I just had to blog about it.
To start off with, I arrived at my warehouse job at 3:30 in the morning and sat down in the break room to have some coffee. Like a klutz, I knocked over my cup and my coffee went everywhere—table, chair and floor. “Dang it!” (Who wants to clean up spilt anything at 3:30 in the morning?)
Once I was finished cleaning the mess up, I said,”Hey, it’s almost time to clock-in, and I still haven’t had my coffee yet.” I walked over and got another cup full, and blimey, it spilled over onto my hand. “Ouch! You know, I don’t think I'm meant to have any coffee today.”
“That's what I'm beginning to think too,” said my friend brave enough to stay seated across the table from me.
Well, after I clocked-in, and started at my work-station, things were just fine. Now as you may remember, from my previous blogging, I started working at Amazon’s warehouse in order to get some exercise and lose some of this <uhuumm> baby fat of mine; and in fact, my plan is working swimmingly! I have lost almost eight pounds in less than a month, and my clothes are fitting much nicer each day. (It’s really nice not working up a sweat, just by getting dressed in the morning; and yes, my 100 pairs of underwear are thanking me as well.)
But now that I have lost some weight, I am having some unusual side-effects that I never expected to happen. You see, The fact is that I only wear skirts. Always have. Always will. It’s just my thing. Under the skirt, I usually wear spandex or biker shorts while working, you know, just to keep everything in place and not be so bouncy. Well today, the crotch of my damn spandex shorts kept zooming down to mid thigh, as if I am some kind of teenage boy or something. I kept pulling them up—which is no easy task mind you. (Those of you who wear such items know what I’m talking about.) I had to grab each leg thru my skirt and pull up—kicking my leg up each time as I go---like a dog that just stepped in a water puddle. Imagine this if you will. I grab two boxes from the conveyor belt, walk over the pallet where they belong, place the boxes down, yank my spandex and then shake a leg. I looked like I had ants in my pants or something.  I had to keep doing this every two minutes! It was driving me f….ing insane.
My mind began racing for a solution. There has to be something that I can do to keep them from falling down. I got the idea of tying something around my leg, like a big fat rubber band, a garter belt, or a tourniquet even.”Yea, that’ll work!” I shift my eyes back and forth to see if I can find anything long and skinny, so I can slip into the bathroom and harness my runaway spandex. To and fro I try to spot something to use, but nothing was there.
I finally decided to go the section in the warehouse that is labeled PROBLEM SOLVE. (I figured, I had a problem, and they could solve it for me. Sounds logical right?) I bravely walked up to the young man that is sitting in the PROBLEM SOLVE cubby, and ask, “Do you have some rope that I can use? I need about this much.” I held out my arms to show about one meter (I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to ask again).
He looked over at me and then swished his head around to search. “I don’t know. What do you need it for anyway?”
Hmmm, how do I answer that? “Umm, it’s personal. Do you have any, or anything else that I can use to tie something with?”
“No, maybe you should go to the SAFETY TEAM.”
Wow! Really? Safety Team? Why don’t I just get on the intercom and ask for some?
“Attention everyone, Yasmine has drooping drawers and needs some rope. If you find any, be a good chap and please go to Lane Alpha and help her out.” (That would defiantly get me down in the Amazon's Book of Idiots for sure.)
So anyway, I made my way over the Safety Team’s area and found a man and woman talking to each other. “Excuse me. Do you have any rope? Or even some of that police tape that I can use? That would work too.”
The woman looks at me and said, “Hm-m. I don’t know. What do you need it for?
Really? Why does everyone keep asking me that? “It’s rather personal,” I admit shyly. Buth then thinking that surely she would understand my dilemma, I lean in and tell her softly, “My spandex keeps falling down and it is driving me insane! I need something to tie them up with.”
Her eyes lit up with great sympathy. “Oh, got it! No worries, we’ll find you something.” She rummaged around in a couple of cabinets and finally found an employee-name-tag-strap. “Here, you can use this.”
Relieved that I had finally had something that I could use, I went to the bathroom and tied it around the upper thigh of my left leg. It worked great. I was able to finish my shift with no more issues of saggy spandex. Okay, maybe my blood circulation was strained a bit, but in the end, my idea worked. Now that I think about it, it would be a great place to keep my 25 caliber (If I had one.) But anyway, I’ll have to keep that in mind for later. Later, during the break, I shared my story with all of my girlfriends—you know, just in case they have droopy spandex one day too.
So see what I mean? Crazy day right? And all of this happened before noon. I wonder what else this day has in store for me.
Well gotta go for now. My left leg is falling asleep again. Oh crap! I forgot to take off the tourniquet.
(Originally published December 2016.)


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