Five Things You Should Know About Returning to America After Two Decades

When I returned to America in 2014, I suffered from culture; really bad culture shock. Here is a list of five things that I wish someone had told me before I got here.

1. Health insurance is all fucked up here. Honestly, I never had any of these problems in UAE. I paid a yearly premium for health insurance and that was it; they paid everything after that. I do not remember one thing that was not covered. But now? OMG! I am constantly on the phone with two different insurance companies begging for understanding. It is just crazy!

2. My salary was going to be cut by 2/3. Teacher's do not get paid as much as they do in UAE. Damn! What a shock this was to my system. I almost had a heart attack when I found this out. In afterthought, I suppose I should have saved more money before turning myself in.

3. Casual dress at the office is sometimes a bit shocking here. I cannot believe some of the things that I have seen at work. Here are three of the most memorable: a pink adult-sized zipped onesie (I think she even had bunny ears, and no, it wasn't a dress-up-day in the office), a half topless woman (Side boob at work is just not right for the office don't you think?), and a man's butt crack. I mean, come on! Really? Butt crack at work? Pull up them pants for god's sake man.

4. We have to pump our own gas here. True story: the first time I needed to get gas in Phoenix, I called my son from the gas station and said, "Son, I need gas. What do I do?" and he said, "Mom, you have to get out of the car and pump it yourself." My reply: "What? My own gas? I don't remember how to do that." (Which leads us to number 5 on this list.)

5. Everything is paid with cards and those swipe machines at the stores here (including gas pumps). It has been three years, and I am still having difficulties with these things. The machines ask me to many questions, and I can't see without my glasses so I have to keep asking the clerk for help like a child; and now the cards have chips in them too. It all sounds like Big Brother to me.

There are so many more things that I could go on about, like obesity, but I do not know how to be nice about it---so gonna skip it for now.

So, anyhoo, the bottom line is, if you are returning to the States after being out for 22 years like me---------please email me first!